Q: Thanks for finding the time to speak with us today, Mondo Zax. I know you don’t usually do interviews.
A: Don’t like interviews. Questions annoy Mondo. Things die when Mondo gets annoyed.
Q: Good to know. You’re a Chua, right? Tell me about that.
A: Chua best inventors in galaxy. Make stuff to make empire more powerful. Using science!
Q: You Chua are also quite notorious for your… sense of humor?
A: Yes! Chua like making people laugh.
Q: Really? I’ve heard that victims of your pranks suffer a 68% fatality rate.
A: Lies! Fatality rates for pranks NEVER less than 79%!
Q: Didn’t mean to sell you short. Can you give me an example of one of your pranks?
A: Certainly. Reporter asks nosy questions. Mondo straps reporter with explosives. Mondo laughs.
Q: Let’s talk more about you specifically. What was your childhood like?
A: Mondo’s childhood very difficult. Smallest of twelve siblings. Siblings treated Mondo badly.
Q: I see. You weren’t on good terms with them?
A: Excellent terms! Once they were gone…
Q: Right. Rumor has it they all disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
A: “Unexplained.” Not “mysterious.”
Q: Care to comment further?
A: Sure. You remind Mondo of his siblings. Gives Mondo ideas…
Q: Ahem. Moving on. You, um, overcame all these…obstacles…and became renowned for your mechanical ingenuity. And then the Dominion decided to give you a job?
A: Yes! Made Mondo Chief Technologist of DRED.
Q: DRED? What’s that?
A: Hmmm. Mondo could tell you. But much more efficient to kill you and forget you asked question.
Q: Err, that sounds rather extreme…
A: Mondo only kidding! About the forgetting part.
Q: Is DRED, uh, short for something?
A: Dominion Research and Experimentation Division. Top secret. Unlimited funding. Makes deadly technology for empire.
Q: So basically you sit around and dream up new and exciting ways to blow stuff up?
A: Not always. Only some things explode.
Q: What else do you make?
A: Skeletal vaporizers. Defoliant sprinklers. Tank melters. Death beds. Human cannons. Attack-o-lanterns. And many, many more.
Q: Like the Planet Reapers you designed to ravage Arboria?
A: Arboria? Arboria…ah, yes! Planet 45658b. High mineral content. Mildly useful.
Q: Did you feel bad about the populace you dispossessed?
Q: The Aurin? They lived there.
A: You mean Treegazers? Barely sentient. Extinction best solution.
Q: Some say the Planet Reapers are the most horrifying machines ever invented.
A: Flattery appreciated! But those just prototypes. Working on bigger model. More fuel-efficient. Runs on prisoners of war.
Q: Hm. Well, hope that works out for you. Tragically, looks like we’re out of time. Thanks again for speaking with us, Mondo. Wait…what’s that thing in your hand?
A: Organ Immolator.
Q: Really? Awesome! What does it do?
A: Superheats internal organs of victims.
Q: Hold on…why are you pointing it at me?
A: Field test.
Q: Actually, being subjected to scientific experiments is no longer in my contract…
A: Hold still. Might hurt a bit.
Q: Uh. No, wait…please…ARRRGGGHHHHH! MY PANCREAS! IT BUUURRRNNNSSS!
A: Interviews fun! Can’t wait for next time.